Twenty&Six (Ep. 3)

Coulda Woulda Shoulda

I used to find comfort in writing when i’m into my feelings, it was facile to find my words at my lowest moments. It has always been the trick, pieces written on bad days always come out the best.

I’ve had a crappy week and i’ve been sleeping a lot. Earlier this year I had a terrible couple of months and it felt like the world was draining the life out of me for its own pleasure. However I found a way to to deal with the crappiness. I stopped writing and began to sleep. I realized it was easier to sleep than to write down anything. It was a cinch to escape having to go through that pain in the process of trying to write it all down and the only time I didn’t feel pain was when I slept.

Sleep has become my coping mechanism and very handy.

I only discovered recently that it actually has a term. Emotional Numbing.

Emotional numbing is the mental and emotional process of shutting out feelings and may be experienced as deficits of emotional responses or reactivity.

Mayra Mendez, Ph.D., LMFT

Initially I was unconscious about it, until I realized it was all I did when I’m not working.

They say poets have a beautiful way of housing pain. It’s like a garment we put on.

I carry a lot around, and this past few weeks have dealt with me in a way I could never imagine—honestly not what I expected. I’ve lost so much (I’ll fill you in my next post)

Past decisions knocked at my door and left a package. The truth is you don’t really move from the past,it follows you, sometimes you don’t realize it until it taps you on the shoulder. This got me thinking of what I could have done better and what I should do better.

I feel like I’m only existing through this life and not living at all. I don’t have a life. At least I have a clear image of what life should be for me and this is not it.

While emotional numbing blocks or shuts down negative feelings and experiences, it also shuts down the ability to experience pleasure, engage in positive interactions and social activities, and interferes with openness for intimacy, social interests, and problem-solving skills,”

Mayra Mendez

You wouldn’t know I’ve had a crappy day if I don’t tell you